Negotiating a Christian Marriage - Part 2: Husbands, Submit to Your Wives

Part two focuses on God’s instruction that men love their wives (Eph. 5:21). As already stated, I do not believe that men inherently “love” (agapaō) their wives; and for that reason, God appears to command them to do so. I say this because the language he uses is unique to Men. To be clear, this is not a reference to emotional, sexual, or friendship-based love. Agapaō denotes a selfless love, more accurately expressed by phrases such as “actively care for.” This is the love conveyed in these texts, and it cannot be realised without laying down one’s own needs for the well-being of another—an idea that lies at the very heart of submission. The term is concerned less with what we feel or desire, and more with what we say and do for others (Luke 10:27).

It is concerning that many within the Church assume that, first and foremost, women must submit to a man’s authority because he is considered the “head” of the family, whatever that may imply psychologically. This is a shallow interpretation of authority and reflects little engagement with the broader biblical narrative of love and respect. Conflating “headship” with control or dominance misrepresents Scripture and works against the practical realities of marriage. If “headship” is understood merely as a designation of who's in charge, it is then treated as a prerequisite for mutual love and submission—yet such a framework undermines the very possibility of mutuality. While there are differing interpretations of the word “head” (kephalē), whether understood as “authority” or “source,” God’s design for marriage still pivots on mutual submission. If “headship” is reduced to control rather than accountability before God, then genuine mutual submission cannot exist.

Submission involves the voluntary relinquishing of one’s rights for the good of another. However, it does not imply that men become servants to their wives' arbitrary desires, nor that they relinquish their rights without reason. Rather, it prioritises the marital relationship above individual entitlement, especially where personal actions may harm the relationship. In practice, mutual submission leads to greater sovereignty for both parties. The distinction is that such sovereignty is freely given, not demanded. This mutual releasing of one another finds authentic biblical expression only when it flows from two individuals who first feel loved and respected. It cannot originate from control or coercion as a means of leverage. Indeed, sovereignty attracts; coercion repels.

As noted earlier, men and women often experience love and respect differently. For many women, love is generated by a man’s actions of “active care,” which in turn produces the emotional experience of being loved. The meaning of agapaō in Luke 10:25–28 includes not only “to care for,” but also the active demonstration of that care. Men are capable of this form of love; however, it often arises from deliberate intention rather than instinctive inclination—hence the necessity of God's command. The phrase “to actively care for” is therefore more precise, as it emphasises observable action.

Headship is better understood as a line of spiritual accountability, in which God holds the husband primarily responsible for establishing a foundation of love (agapaō), as seen in the Genesis account with Adam. Nevertheless, in the case of a broken marriage healing can be initiated by either party. When one spouse begins to “actively care” or “convey respect,” it can positively influence the other and improve relational intimacy, even if the shift is initially unnoticed. Ultimately, however, both parties must assume responsibility for the relationship to be fully restored.

Ephesians 5:25 states, “Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ also loved the church, and gave himself up for it.” This instruction presents an instructive meta-narrative—self-sacrificing love—rather than a list of practical examples. It provides the theological foundation upon which practical expressions are built. Husbands are called to mirror Christ’s love, who gave Himself up (that is, submitted) for those He loved. In this way, when husbands deny their own wants to meet the needs of their wives, their wives are, in a spiritual sense, presented as complete before God. A husband’s act of self-sacrificing love functions as a form of spiritual covering. Understanding the verb agapaō is therefore essential for grasping both the spiritual and practical dimensions of submission. It refers to deliberate acts of selfless love—often costly—through which a husband seeks nothing in return but instead, acts in ways that cultivate in his wife the experience of being loved. This requires discernment: what may seem helpful, such as completing household tasks, does not necessarily communicate love. Men must therefore learn what genuinely conveys love to their wives.

Ephesians 5:26 continues, “That he might sanctify it, having cleansed it by the washing of water with the word.” The actions that make a wife feel loved function analogously to this “washing.” Through acts of love, a husband participates in the sanctifying dynamics reflected in Christ’s relationship with the Church. Consequently, a man’s personal perception of how he loves is secondary; what matters is how this love is received—and experienced by his wife. In this, the man bears responsibility before God. Scripture does not assign the same form of responsibility in this context, to Women. A fuller qualification of this point belongs to a later commentary.

Ephesians 5:27 adds that Christ presents the Church “not having spot or wrinkle… but holy and without blemish.” Just as Christ’s sacrifice removes blemish from the Church, so a husband’s failure to love may contribute to relational “blemishes” experienced as feelings of being unloved. Therefore, men are called to communicate love beyond assumption—engaging deeply with the actual thoughts, needs, and feelings of their wives. Without such understanding, they cannot fully realise God’s intention for marital love.

Ephesians 5:28–29 teaches, “He that loveth his own wife loveth himself… for no man ever hated his own flesh, but nourisheth and cherisheth it.” By nature, individuals tend to prioritise their own needs. Within marriage, this principle becomes a point of examination: are a husband’s needs consistently placed above those of his wife? Because self-deception is possible, honest feedback from one’s spouse is essential. Many marital breakdowns can be traced to a failure of self-denial, as men prioritise personal desires—whether related to work, leisure, temptation, or relational neglect—over the well-being of their wives.

Ephesians 5:30–31 emphasises unity: “For this cause shall a man leave his father and mother and shall cleave to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh.” Just as believers are united with Christ, so marriage establishes a profound relational unity. This unity reflects the interconnectedness found within the body of Christ, where each part depends upon the others. Consequently, individual actions within marriage have broader relational implications, extending even to the wider community of believers. What is true spiritually is mirrored relationally: no part is independent of the whole.

Finally, Ephesians 5:32–33 declares, “This mystery is great… nevertheless, let each one love his wife as himself, and let the wife see that she respects her husband.” The parallel between Christ and the Church clarifies that all relationships are ultimately understood within a unified spiritual framework. Love and respect are not isolated duties but integrated expressions of a deeper theological reality.

This commentary has intentionally concentrated on the responsibilities of men and their accountability before God.