The Unsaid Truth
Why do our real thoughts and feelings often go unsaid? I doubt there's a topic less discussed than the dishonesty of silence, which frequently permeates the dialogue of the Church. This is not about deliberately lying to each other, it’s about withholding our real thoughts because speaking up makes us physically, emotionally, or spiritually vulnerable to the prevailing opinion of those in authority. Most Christians have views about the decisions that decide for us all, especially issues we disagree with. Unfortunately, many people convey a sense of agreement through their silence, because it’s easier to let others make the decisions we don't want to own. By withholding our true thoughts, are we being spiritually honest? In some instances saying nothing might be a better option, but often not, and the inescapable result of this quiet disconnect generally ends in gossip, quarrelling, and jealousy. These emotions are driven by powerlessness, isolation, and fear. Essentially the relational environment of the Church doesn’t appear to produce the degree of confidence and relational safety, one might expect, and fear becomes the elephant in the auditorium.
On one hand, we understand the message of truth and integrity when it comes to relationships with unbelievers, but what about love, joy, peace, patience, long-suffering and truth, between believers? There seems to be little difference between today's quarrelling and jealousies, and those in the biblical record. When all is said and done our reactions are the same, but the question might be asked, do we want to be honest, and can we handle our differences within the unity of our relationship with Christ?
In group decisions, our silence conveys that we agree with the matters before us. This situation can be misleading if leadership doesn't ask the right questions. Asking the right questions can unlock a door in which honesty can speak. We tend to avoid discussing differences of opinion or raising comments that run the risk of offence. For some, there's a general sense of powerlessness, or reservation based on preconceptions about submission to authority. Some can feel that decisions have already been made, and meetings are more about endorsement of decisions already made. Agreement in this environment satisfies the appearance of being united, but saying nothing, tends to undermine unity at its core, and encourages a general ambivalence, that disconnects the Church over time.
1Co 3:1-3 '“Brothers, I could not address you as spiritual but as worldly—mere infants in Christ. I gave you milk, not solid food, for you were not yet ready for it. Indeed, you are still not ready. You are still worldly. For since there is jealousy and quarreling among you, are you not worldly? Are you not acting like mere men?”
In general, the Church would like to think it's spiritually healthy and conveys the truth with honesty, however, in my experience, there’s an underlying dishonesty in the silence of unexpressed opinion. The quarrelling and jealousies the Apostle Paul talks about may be more toxic than secular disagreement, especially if authority exerts control over what can be said. Some years ago offence was taken against myself for questioning the theological context of a public sermon. Why, because it influences those who hear it. This resulted in the response, “Why do you come here, why don’t you just leave”. The dismissal of any further communication became highly emotive and toxic. I understand how offence can be the temptation in any response to disagreement, but unchecked it destroys relationships, and the damage becomes systemic, to the point it affects the health of the Church.
In the last ten years, I’ve witnessed more quarrelling, jealousies, and self-indulgent pride, than I did in the previous fifty. However, I believe the experience has given me some understanding of suppressed issues that have come to the surface. Suppressed communication is counterproductive to the best intentions of many well-meaning Christians. Much of our journey through life is simply the rain falling on the righteous and the unrighteous, no one is exempt, or excused, from life’s emotional journey. My choices cause some of my experiences, and the decisions of others also plays into the outcome of a conversation. If I examine my Christian journey, I think the first 15 were spiritually vibrant, but academically and theologically shallow, especially in my understanding of what a relationship with God felt like. I was content and happy, and by all accounts living a full and productive life, but my understanding was clouded by a vacuum of ignorance. My life had all the character of a good Christian life, but little experience of a freedom, unsullied by religious expectation. The problem was I didn't think for myself.
Leadership should be careful not to create an environment that stifles individual and corporate maturity. Indeed failure to mature the body of Christ could be argued as the single biggest failure of the Church today. Parents live to see their Children become parents. Religion complicates the simplicity of Christian relationship. We tend to justify our actions through our traditions, and denominational opinion. But these are the result of a human construct which tends to create laws that become a truth but not necessarily the truth and leaders become the interpreters of this. We might argue the contrary, but corporately we often assume an authority much greater than we ought. I’ve seen Pastors and Churches fall because of this attitude.
In my experience, fear and pride undermine our perception of truth, and holding them wreaks havoc in marriages, corrupts biblical leadership, distorts notions of authority, and generally undermines relationships in the Church. The extent of gossip, sexual sin, idolatry, religious intolerance, and un-forgiveness, to name a few, seem to demonstrate no significant difference from the secular community we live in. The tragedy is that very little seems to change, and dishonesty continues unabated and hinders the relational expectations of the body of Christ. I’m not convinced Christians understand correction direction and rebuke, even if it is said in love. Unless of course, it’s something we agree with?
Pride is the quiet assassin that feeds off underlying fear and offence. For example, when a brother disagrees, when adultery is exposed, when our predispositions are challenged, or when offence is taken. These are experiences that expose the true state of our hearts. Some may not see this, but many know what I’m saying.
