Negotiating a Christian Marriage Part 1

How do we communicate love and respect in marriage? Is it as simple as getting married and allowing time to work out the details? Most people enter marriage with a positive vision of “till death us do part,” yet with little understanding of how the unconsidered annoyances in the first twenty years accumulate—and become the unresolvable issues in the next ten. Some view marriage as a cure for emotional needs or the means of healing a broken past. Some couples have entirely different views about how the world works—or begin with opposing theological perspectives, which can be more serious than any other difficulty a marriage faces. Perhaps our expectations are wholly selfish and unrealistic—shaped by the false belief that, because we exist, we are “worth it,” with little regard for sacrifice or submission.

I intend to challenge these assumptions by addressing the individual responsibilities outlined in Ephesians 5:21–33, and by questioning the presuppositions many young adults bring into relationships today. As parents, we hope our children enter marriage with a Christian worldview; however, identifying as Christian—or merely holding Christian values—is not, in itself, sufficient to withstand the influences of religious authoritarianism, political and spiritual bias, secularism, or the liberal anti-capitalist ideologies that have shaped recent generations. These pressures often produce a form of Secular/Christian dualism that manifests as self-righteousness and, over time, fractures relationships. Such worldviews promote the false idea that marriage exists to satisfy the needs of the individual, thus emphasising rights without responsibility. Decades of ideological influence and socio-political expression have become a kind of “leaven” that erodes coherence and stability in marriage.

Over the past sixty years, Western culture has experienced what can only be described as a spiritual, political and social tragedy in that order—summarised by some as the “death of God.” More accurately, it’s the vacuum left in the absence of transcendent truth—a reductionist approach to foundational principles that strips humanity of social coherence, and thus marriage, of any spiritual significance. Wedding Ceremonies are reduced to little more than a ticket for sexual gratification, displays of wealth, and social ceremony—emotionally captivating for those present, yet offering little for navigating future hardships.

Compounding this problem, many Christians possess a limited understanding of marriage as a covenant, or worse, carry secular values into the relationship. This can be seen in the selective reading of Ephesians 5, where submission and sacrifice are rejected, and God’s vision of marriage is replaced with contractual considerations—agreements that remain relevant only while convenient. The biblical teaching about marriage being a covenant is reduced to a shared social agreement between two, rather than three—God is effectively removed and confined to ceremonial platitudes. Secular humanism distorts the motives by which many Christians approach marriage, and when left unchallenged, leads to relational bankruptcy and perpetuates a lie that often ends in tragedy.

Ephesians 5:33 receives little consideration—many Christians might believe Ephesians 5:21–33 is God’s Word, but rarely practice it, and often contest its relevance, reliability, and application. Despite decades of debate, the narrative continues to provoke anger—particularly with women—thus the mutuality of submission and sacrificial love never materialises. We apply Scripture subjectively to accommodate modern views of equality or personal agency, without recognising that God’s instructions for marriage are consistently oriented toward the best possible outcomes for both men and women.

Our ideological and social freedoms have compromised the biblical meaning of “submission” as the framework in which love and respect materialise. Submission is essential, and sacrifice stands in opposition to any idea of authority as a means of personal or indeed spiritual gain. Biblical headship does not demand submission—this is a perverse idea—it emphasises a man’s willingness to relinquish authority—as Christ did—for the sake of demonstrating sacrificial love. Headship exists as a foundational archetype to be respected, not as a right to power or control, but upwards— in a position of submission to Christ and accountability to God.

Ephesians 5:33 (NIV):
“However, each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband.”

Submission lies at the heart of God’s instruction, because love and respect cannot exist without it. This raises an important question: What are the relational responsibilities of men and women? How do we respond to the concept of submission? We cannot ignore the effects of original sin, the identification of headship in the creation narrative, or the historical role that patriarchal religious legalism has played in the subjugation of women. Yet my focus here is on mutual responsibility and how submission relates directly to love and respect.

This paper is not a manual for marriage. Rather, it outlines biblical principles that shape all relationships. For those who believe this doesn’t apply, I would argue that submission is essential in every relationship—we must continually evaluate how we communicate love and respect. All relationships are vulnerable to human fallibility. Sadly, much of the teaching I’ve encountered resembles flat beer—it tastes familiar but leaves a soured palate. Time and experience, though imperfect teachers, have given me a deeper appreciation for the wisdom of these texts. As Christians continue to avoid individual responsibility, marriages continue to bear the consequences.

Ephesians 5:33 is foundational not only to marriage but to friendships, leadership, and community. Scripture reveals God’s intention, though it offers limited practical instruction. Yet unless we accept the biblical narrative as God’s Word, we have nothing to begin with and the path toward reconciliation remains fraught with pain and confusion.

I don’t write this as a counsellor or psychotherapist, nor do I claim professional authority. I speak as a reasonably informed Christian who’s experienced the failure of a marriage—and recognised his own responsibility in that failure. I’ve benefited from wise counsel, from God’s word, and from the experience of a new relationship. Still, I remain conscious of my own fallibility and the risk of repeating past mistakes. Many assume they understand love and respect, yet give little thought to how these are practised—its as if we think these first principles come naturally. Scripture challenges every thought, action, and attitude—warnings we ignore at our peril, lest we descend into spiritual desolation. Young married couples should consider the manner in which they talk, and convey love to each other, because the consequences of dismissing Ephesians 5:33 will creep up and bite with vengeance—bringing relational, financial and social ruin upon all concerned.

In my experience, relational tension arises because the foundations of love and respect have not been established. Even in seemingly strong marriages, our words, actions, and attitudes can sow seeds of shame, embarrassment, neglect, humiliation, or resentment—often going unnoticed for many years. These suppressed wounds may surface later in life, when couples might otherwise be anticipating renewed freedom without children. Such outcomes reflect a failure in biblical dialogue—shutting down honest communication or establishing a shared understanding of love and respect from the outset.

These issues should be addressed more—even within the Church. Even its leaders struggle to articulate a clear Christian response. I regularly observe people in otherwise healthy marriages sowing seeds of pain through careless words, personal insecurities, or an unwillingness to sacrifice personal will for relational good. However, we all fail at times—because we all possess a troubling aptitude for communication that fails to meet the fundamental need for love and respect. But marriage is perhaps the place where this should be taken with absolute seriousness.

Scripture calls us to take deliberate steps and change how we communicate. We live in a victim-centred culture of self-admiration that seeks to dismantle spiritual archetypes and erode Christian influence. In this environment, church leadership has decisions to make—it must either stand apart from the secular culture or risk becoming something like the compromised churches addressed in the Book of Revelation. Teaching must become forthright, expositional and doctrinally directed. Some may leave, and this is acceptable—but failing to address these truths makes us complicit in neglecting our responsibility to shepherd God’s people. The Apostle Paul addressed the problems we face in his letters to the Church in Corinth.

I strongly suggest that men do not instinctively love their wives in ways that communicate love through action, and women do not instinctively respect their husbands through words that convey esteem. What matters is not what we believe we are communicating, but how our words and actions are received. A Christian marriage requires mutual submission—expressed through love and respect. This often means doing for one another what does not come naturally.

These acts are not driven merely by obligation, but by a recognition that relationships flourish ONLY when love and respect are intentionally cultivated. This truth reflects a profound mystery, one that exposes the selfishness of the human heart and the corrupting nature of sin. Notably, Scripture does not command wives to love their husbands, but to respect them. Conversely, husbands are commanded to love (agapē) their wives—an active, self-sacrificing love expressed through the verb agapaō, which carries the idea of sacrificial submission.

Some studies suggest men can endure a marriage without feeling loved if they feel respected, while women generally need to feel loved rather than merely respected. Ultimately, however, both love and respect lead to the same outcome: each evokes the experience of being truly loved.