Part 2 - Husbands, Submit to Your Wives
Part two will focus on God’s instruction that men love their wives (Eph 5:21). As already stated, I don’t believe that men inherently “love” (Agapao) their wives, and for that reason, God specifically instructed men to do so. To be clear, I’m not talking about emotional, sexual, or friendship-based love. Agapao is selfless love, which is more accurately described by words other than love, such as “to actively care for”. This is the love God is conveying in these texts and it cannot be realized without laying down our own needs, for the well-being of others, which is the very heart of submission. The word is more about what we say and do for others, than what we desire, think, or feel (Lk.10.27).
It’s of some concern that many in the Church seem to think that first and foremost, Women must submit to Man’s authority because he is the "head" of the family, whatever that means, without any consideration for what this low-resolution view implies. The conflating of what “Headship” is, and who it is that “Submits” is construed by a patriarchal misrepresentation of scripture, to begin with. This isn’t productive when considering the restoration of a marriage. From a practical standpoint, it implies that “Headship” is in the first order of priority and by implication overarches teaching about mutual love and submission, as if that were possible. I understand there are different opinions over the word “head” (kephale), but whether we accept the rendering of “authority”, or “source”, the fullness of God’s will for marriage, is still conditional to the mutual requirements of submission and if “headship” is defined as a line of authority, rather than a line of accountability, mutual submission cannot exist.
Submission is the “giving up” of one’s rights for the good of another, but it doesn’t imply that men become servants and slaves to the whims of their wives. Nor does submission mean that men give up anything without reason, however, it does place the relationship ahead of individual rights especially if the activity concerned has a destructive effect on the relationship. In reality, mutual submission leads to greater sovereignty for both parties within a marriage. The difference is, that sovereignty is given to each other unconditionally. This releasing of one another can only find a biblical expression when it comes from the overflow of two people who “feel loved and respected”, in the first instance. It cannot begin from coercion, as a means of personal leverage or gain, and remember, sovereignty is sexy, coercion is not. Earlier I stated that men and women experience love and respect through different feelings. For a woman, love is generated through a man’s actions of “active care”, that makes her feel loved. The meaning of Agapao in Luke 10:25-28 includes, "to care for", but also included, is doing something that exemplifies this caring. To be fair men often love in this manner, however, in most cases, it arises from a conscious decision to actively think about caring, not from an instinctive predisposition, hence God’s instruction to love. The phrase "to actively care" is more technically correct because it implies an action that illustrates caring).
From a biblical perspective, God views submission without partiality, but I believe God holds men primarily responsible for exemplifying the foundations of love (Agapao). In saying this the healing of broken relationships, can be instigated by one party alone. Just one person beginning to “actively care” will improve and influence the relational intimacy of a marriage, even though the other may be unaware of a shift in attitude. However, sooner or later both parties must accept their mutual roles for the relationship to be healed.
Eph 5:25 “Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ also loved the church, and gave himself up for it”. This instruction conveys a meta-narrative but doesn’t contain practical examples, so it’s the basis on which examples are built. The narrative is a parable about relationships. It states that men are to treat their wives in the same manner, that Christ treats us, insomuch as Christ gave up his rights (v25 submitted) and died for those he loved. In the same way, when husbands deny their wants and desires for the sake of meeting the needs of their wives, their wives are seen by God as perfect. A husband’s act of submission spiritually covers his wife in the sight of God. Understanding the verb “Agapao” is essential to a deeper understanding of submission, in both a spiritual and physical context. Here the verb refers to acts of selfless love (things we do, sometimes at our own cost) by which a husband who seeks nothing in return, undertakes to do things that confer on a wife, the feelings of being loved. For example, taking out the rubbish, and washing the cars, is good, but does it make a wife feel loved? Maybe for some it does, and this is the point, men need to find out what makes their wives feel loved.
Eph 5:26 “That he might sanctify it, having cleansed it by the washing of water with the word”. The actions by which we make our wives “feel loved”, are like washing them with the word of God. Our acts of love sanctify our wives before God, and just as the actions of Jesus sanctified the Church, men are required to sanctify their wives. Therefore, what a man thinks, about how he loves his wife, is largely irrelevant. What is relevant, is what his wife thinks. In this God holds a man responsible. Nowhere in the scriptures does God demand this responsibility from women. The caveat on this statement will be explained in part 3.
Eph 5:27 “That he might present the church to himself a glorious church, not having spot or wrinkle or any such thing; but that it should be holy and without blemish”. Because the blood of Jesus covered the sin (spot or wrinkle) of believers, God sees the redeemed as “glorious, holy and without blemish”. Does God view our wives as holy, and without blemish? Any feeling of being unloved is an unsanctioned blemish; the stain and wrinkle of a husband’s failure to love his wife. It’s beholding to men to communicate love on a level beyond the mind and will and beyond assumptions and presumptions. Without knowing the real feelings that underpin the thoughts and needs of a spouse, we may never love them in a manner that brings the fullness of God’s will.
Eph 5:28-29 “He that loveth his own wife loveth himself”. Even so, ought husbands also to love their own wives as their own bodies. For no man ever hated his own flesh, but nourisheth and cherisheth it, even as Christ also the church”. The nature of pride always submits to providing for and meeting the needs of our bodies. A person who doesn’t is truly lost in himself. Therefore, in the context of marriage, men need to judge for themselves whether their needs, are being placed before the needs of their wives. Men can be ignorant, and liars to themselves, so it might be that we ask our wives. Many if not most marital breakdowns are caused by men failing to deny themselves for the sake of their wives. Men have a propensity for their desires, whether they be work, sport, sexual temptations, or simply relational indifference.
Eph 5:30-31 because we are members of his body. For this cause shall a man leave his father and mother and shall cleave to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh. In receiving Christ, Christians became one with Christ. In marriage, two people become one with each other, in Christ. In the context of this narrative, these verses demonstrate the equality of human relationships, through submission. We're connected in such a way that every part needs the other, that we might relate in a manner that reflects God’s love. What we do individually affects others and the body of believers as a whole. Every member of the body is vital to the well-being of the whole, and no part of the body can say to the other part, you’re not needed. This remains as true in the flesh as it’s true in the spirit.
Eph 5:32-33 “This mystery is great: but I speak in regard of Christ and of the church. Nevertheless, do ye also severally love each one his own wife even as himself; and let the wife see that she fear her husband”. Here the parallel applications of the narrative are clear, insomuch as all relationships are treated by God as one, within the same spiritual context.
This letter has deliberately focused on the responsibilities of Men.
