Part 1 - Mutual Submission in Relationships

This paper is the first of five that examines the communication of love and respect in marriages. The series will challenge religious beliefs around headship and submission that underpin many marriages today. Ephesians 5:33 is contentious, and while most Christians believe the narrative embodies truth, the debate over its interpretation, relativity, and context, continues. Despite the prolonged debate, it still angers Women to the point that Women are in danger of rejecting the baby along with the bathwater, and thus equality of responsibility never matures. In light of the provocation, I want to suggest that perhaps the problem lies in our rejection of the fundamental teaching of the narrative, that of love and respect. For years people have attempted to change the meaning of various words, to satisfy their view of equality, without recognizing that God's view of equality is synonymous with the instruction of the narrative. Our meddling with the text has effectively compromised the meaning and responsibility of “submission” as the ultimate meta-narrative that underpins equality. Sacrifice is the antithesis of any claim to power and authority which means that the biblical archetype of headship exists itself, and is not dependant on a doctrine of submission, but “love and respect” can not exist if headship is conflated with or defined as power and authority. Submission is first and foremost, Man’s responsibility to initiate, because God holds a Man accountable as the “head”, but NOT because the position embodies power and authority. Further, the evidence of failed and failing relationships seems to suggest we don’t believe the Biblical narrative embodies the truth.

Eph 5:33:  “So again I say, each man must LOVE his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must RESPECT her husband.” NIV

God’s vision for loving relationships is centred in the heart of this passage. I want to explore the relational responsibilities of both Men and Women and openly challenge the common responses to submission. Further, I don’t believe we can ignore the consequences of original sin or the definition of headship within the creation narrative. Further, we can’t ignore the role that patriarchal religious legalism played in the subordination of women. However, I want to focus on what mutual responsibility looks like, and how submission relates to the issue of love and respect.

This paper is not an exhaustive study for obvious reasons, but I want to express some thoughts about the biblical principles that influence all relationships today. For those who think this doesn’t apply, all relationships require ongoing evaluation of how we communicate love and respect. All relationships are susceptible to a descent into religious narcissism. Unfortunately, most of the teaching I’ve heard is like drinking flat beer, it tastes like beer but sours the palate. Time and experience have given me some appreciation of the wisdom in these texts, and it seems that as we’ve continued to avoid individual responsibility, we’ve continued to suffer the consequences of avoiding it. Truth is validated by the fruit it produces. Ephesians 5:33 is the foundation of all successful relationships, whether marriages, friendships, or church leadership. However, the Bible is not a detailed manual for living, it testifies about God's direction but, conveys little practical application, and unless we can accept the archetype, the steps toward reconciliation will be difficult.

To be clear, I’m not a counsellor or a Psychotherapist. I don’t claim professional qualification for this opinion. I’m speaking as a Christian, with the experiences of a broken marriage, and subsequent introspection into my part in its failure. I’ve also benefited from personal revelation, the words of wise counsel, and the experiences of a new relationship. In saying this I don’t set myself apart from my own opinion. My greatest concern is that my fallibility repeats the same mistakes. To the professional councillors who may read this, I acknowledge that my assumptions may appear somewhat unqualified and a little simplistic. But in light of the current statistics on marriage breakdown through separation, divorce, adultery, and relational schisms within the church, it appears that little has seriously challenged the way Christians relate with each other. We talk about love and respect, but the meta-narrative of submission seems harder to appropriate. Further, the scriptures give us the basis for challenging every thought, action, and attitude we confront concerning relationships.

In my experience, the two factors evident in all relational breakdowns are the absence of love and respect. Even where relationships appear strong, loving, and secure; the words, actions, attitudes, and responses to disagreement, can demonstrate the seeds of unrealized discontent. They’re often suppressed, covered, ignored, or buried because communication and resolution are tenuous and exhausting. No one seems to have a reasonable argument about the Christian response and the very place where this should be talked about the most is where it’s discussed the least. I frequently hear good people aggravating the foundations of their relationship through their words, insecurities, or unwillingness to bend. We tend to communicate in ways that fail to satisfy the fundamental need for love and respect in others. In many cases, we don’t see, or comprehend the potential impact this has on the relationship.

The instruction of scripture is to act upon the truth and take real steps toward changing how we communicate. Today we are dealing with the realities of a woke culture that wages a global war on archetypes, including the foundations of Christian doctrine. In this regard, I believe church leadership needs a directive approach to teaching because leadership in general, is failing the people it claims to lead, by taking a passive, non-confrontational approach to address these issues.

In my opinion, Men don’t instinctively “love” their wives, and Women don’t instinctively “respect” their husbands. Love and respect are only achieved through mutual submission, and what I’m suggesting is that for men and women to receive love and respect in relationships, we have to do the things, for our husbands and our wives, that we don’t instinctively do.

These actions of love and respect are things we do, not because we necessarily want to, but because we want to generate feelings of love and respect in those close to us. I believe this to be a profound mystery that requires a revelation of our selfish human nature. Concerning marriage, God never commanded women to love their husbands, only to respect them. Conversely, God directly commanded men to love (agape) their wives. The word for this love is the verb, Agapao (the perfect example of selfless submission). Some interesting studies have suggested that men could live in a marriage without love if they felt respected by their spouse. On the other hand, Women need to feel loved rather than just respected.  In reality, both words lead to the same end, insomuch as both partners receive the feelings of being loved, but for each gender, the result is a response generated by the opposite approach.